Everything happens for a reason.

All my life I have followed my heart, figuratively. As you may have read before, from an early age I knew I wanted to be a dancer. I've done everything to achieve that dream. I did not think about it, I just did it: I followed my heart. 

Following my heart made me competitive as well. When I was young, together with my best friend Manouk I wanted to make the most goals during our handball games; later I loved to jump the highest during balletclass; I always tried to be the one who ran or cycled the fastest (still do, on my bike in Amsterdam), and all the time I just had to beat my male dance-colleagues with planking.

In the words of William Shakespeare: 'Though she be but little, she is fierce'.

Fierce, not to be confused with muscular. Thanks to my genes and professional dance career, I am physically in shape. Yes, I know. But to me, my health is much more important than my appearance. I take care of myself, which is what you see.

I have many friends, all over the Netherlands; all over the world. We crossed paths, connected. I love all my friends as much as I love flowers, and that's a lot! Though, sometimes it is hard to water all flowers as they are scattered across the landscape.

When meeting new people; becoming friends and falling in love I always follow my heart, my intuition. The intuition's most important role is that it alerts us to the path, people and circumstances that we will uniquely find fulfilling. The intuition is just like working a muscle: it will get stronger the more you use it. Of course one time, like every other girl who is desperately in love, I believed. My intuition was strong, I got loads of negative alerts but love was much stronger. It truly broke my heart. It hurt, and it took a while to get over it. Just today I realized that if it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love. Now I am glad I have experienced this, it is one of the life lessons which makes us stronger. 

I believe everything happens for a reason. Likewise, these heart defects suddenly emerged. As I previously followed my heart figuratively: staying strong; being a perfectionist and sometimes being strict, with myself and also with people around me. I am now trying to listen to my heart literally. 

With help, admittedly. About two weeks ago, I decided to stop working after my grandmother told me something that was just spot on: "Doron, you are consuming your reserves, rather than saving them". Even though I was not functioning optimally, it was a hard decision to make. Deep in my heart I knew it was time to prepare myself for the upcoming surgery.

I am quite familiar with the preparation for a dance rehearsal or performance, but an open heart surgery is all new to me. I assume that it will be a 'once in a lifetime experience'. An experience, as everything will be fine, I would never want to miss. 

Once a dancer. Always a dancer.

 

When TV's were huge and I was small, a ballet performance left me mesmerized. It was 

the first day of 1991 that I decided I wanted to be a dancer. For real. Not with tutu's, 

a childish teacher and silly games. Because we lived in a small village, it wasn't easy to find a proper ballet school. My mother supported me, always.

I started ballet close to my hometown Dalfsen -only once a week as school; friends; Barbies and handball were as much as important to me. After finishing elementary school, I got into the preparatory dance training at The Amsterdam University of the Arts. Every weekend my mom and I traveled for a few hours to Amsterdam, where she explored the city and I learned many new things like jazz dance, contemporary and tap dance. Great, although friends; Barbies and handball took a hit. 

The decision to move to a host family in Enschede at the age of fourteen, was hard. But necessary to be able to combine my pre-university education with the preparatory training for theatre dance at the conservatory. Four years of homesickness, school and dance. Dancing every day, that was what I always wanted. At the conservatory, I fell in love with folklore. I really like rhythm, I am interested in other cultures and my Hungarian dance teacher showed me dances and costumes from different parts of the world. I began to dream about dancing in the International Dance Company in Amsterdam: the only professional company in Europe dancing dances from all over the world. 

Early on I knew that if you really want something, you succeed.

Four years later I moved to Amsterdam to complete the Bachelor of Theatre Dance at the Amsterdam University of the Arts. An internship is part of the program and I participated in the auditions for the International Dance Company (my dream job, remember!). 

Nerve-racking but I got in! When I think of my time in this company, I think of color. Many different colors because of the variety of countries; dances; costumes; colleagues; theaters and emotions. I had the honor to dance here for four colorful years. I learned a lot, developed myself and became even more certain about my love for folk dancing. 

My heart beats like the rhythm of dance.

I followed my heart to Slovakia, as folklore dancing was exchanged for contemporary dancing in Amsterdam. Sl'uk, the Slovak State Traditional Dance Company, was my new home. In no time, I tried to make the Slovak traditional dances my own. Until today, my dear neighbor in Bratislava does not believe that a Dutch girl was dancing in Sl'uk. 

I planned to live there for a year, to extend my professional dance career. It turned out to be three. Slovakia and the folklore culture have been very good to me, but I just wanted to go back to Amsterdam and discover what else life had to offer me.

For the past 25 years I danced through my life. I liked it, loved it, hated it. It hurt: I've had injuries, I have sacrificed.. but I got so much in return! I believe that dance has brought 

me a lot -being strong both psychically and mentally. It will help me to get through this. 

Dance is part of my life, dance is part of me.

Once a dancer. Always a dancer.

* Here you can see me dance in the Sl'uk Anniversary Performance.

Grateful

ˈɡreɪtfʊl,-f(ə)l/

adjective: grateful

1. feeling or showing an appreciation for something done or received.

   "I'm grateful to you for all your help"

   synonyms:

   thankful, filled with gratitude, appreciative.

   antonyms:

   ungrateful

   • archaic

     received or experienced with gratitude; welcome.
   •         "the grateful shade"
2. Origin
   
3. 
   

Before writing more blog posts, I would like to thank everyone. I am overwhelmed with reactions, messages, postcards, presents and hugs! It surprised me, and it actually made me realize what I am experiencing right now. It hit me. I got very emotional. Finally.

It cheered me up as well! Even though it takes a lot of energy, I enjoy my time with friends & family more than ever. I cycle to work, smiling: curious what the day will bring. I eat too much chocolate (way too much!). And the sun, I love the sunshine! 

I've only just got into this rollercoaster, but I am sure about one thing:  I feel so grateful!

Thank you for your words, support and faith.

'Life is like a rollercoaster' - They say.

I always loved rollercoasters. Unfortunately I was the only one in our family, so when I finally passed the minimum height to actually go for a ride, my father sacrificed himself. Back then, we didn't know that I should've observed the other warning sign instead:

This week felt like a rollercoaster. I never felt like this before. 

Last Friday, July 22nd, I got the results as you can read in my previous blog. I was in shock, but at the same time I felt safe. A sunny weekend at home, together with my parents. 

When I cycled to work on Sunday, though. I felt how much energy it had cost me to process what I heard and how uncomfortable it felt to leave the 'safe house'. Now I didn't only have physical complaints, emotionally I felt weak too. As if my body & soul knew it is finally proven that something is wrong: no reason to still be strong.

I am overwhelmed by the reactions I got, I want to thank you all for that. It is great to hear you all believe that I will handle this bump. I believe it too. Today, in any case.
Not sure about tomorrow.

For me, it makes no sense to look back:

*Yes! They could have discovered it sooner: I've had two ankle operations where they heard a heart murmer, but said 'sporting heart'. I was even proud to hear that!

*How? How is it possible to dance at top level with more then one congenital heart defect? 

 I am also very curious!

 *Why? Why did my doctor sent me away every time, saying: 'Doron, you're a dancer. You have a busy life. Stress. You need balance.' Doctor: Listen to my heart. I do too.

I am glad to know my body like the best. Maybe it helps that I am a dancer. I really felt I could not live my life like other people from my age, even after bringing more balance into it. I think I should feel happy to finally know what is going on in my body. Even better: they can do something about it!

I feel sad. Just because of the fact that it is something not nice what I experience, and other people with me. I will be 'under construction' for quite a while, missing out a part of my life.

One day I could make (pretty bad) jokes about it, and again the next day I cried so much. Sense of peaks and valleys.

I feel strong. Even though I have multiple congenital heart defects, I am in shape. My cardiologist told me about the 'Better in better out principe', and I want to do anything to start this process as best as possible. 

Strong is not necessarily positive. It makes me think realistically. I feel tense, anxious. What's to come? When will it happen? Will it be all right? Do I need to live my life to the fullest right now? Working a lot or not at all? Do I need to rush to meet family and friends, to have deep conversations, to eat as much chocolate as possible, to accomplish things from my bucket list? Do I need to consciously say 'Goodbye' to my beautiful home in Amsterdam, when I leave to the hospital? All of this, taking into account that something can go wrong.

I feel insecure. There is nothing physically changed since last week, but all of a sudden my body feels like a ticking time bomb. I am afraid to catch a cold, or to get ill.

Most of all: I am tired. Tired of being strong the past few years. Tired of my heartbeat, which (suddenly) keeps me from sleeping. Tired of all the emotions that I felt this week, and continue to feel the coming weeks. From myself and others.

But yeah, that is inevitable when you dance together. 

Doron - the dancing heart patient. My first blog. And like any other blogger I was searching for a 'catchy' title. First I came up with: 'From dancer to heart patient'. But the thing is: I didn't change to a heart patient. We just found out that I am, since I was born. 

~ I danced through my life. Facing this news, but keep on dancing. Will you dance with me? ~

The last months I went through a lot of research and it turns out I have more then one congenital heart defect: 'Aberrant pulmonary veins' + 'Sinus venosus defect'.

These congenital defects cause other (heart) defects again: my heart is processing 2,3 times as much blood as a 'normal' heart, which gives a lot of pressure on the lungs. I am having a dilated right ventricle and they suspect a Tricuspid valve regurgitation (a leak from the right atrium to the right ventricle). As you hear and see, it's chaos!!

Drawn by my cardiologist @ VUmc

Right now it is not life-threatening, but they did tell me not to wait too long.
So, to make a long story short: In the next weeks/months I will prepare myself for an open heart surgery. I am quite in shock about this 'news', still processing it. It is going to be tough, and I will be 'under construction' for quite a while.. But I hope to come back:
Stronger than ever!! 

I started this blog to share my story. Follow me, dancing through this phase of life.