Sunday, July 31, 2016

'Life is like a rollercoaster' - They say.

I always loved rollercoasters. Unfortunately I was the only one in our family, so when I finally passed the minimum height to actually go for a ride, my father sacrificed himself. Back then, we didn't know that I should've observed the other warning sign instead:



This week felt like a rollercoaster. I never felt like this before. 

Last Friday, July 22nd, I got the results as you can read in my previous blog. I was in shock, but at the same time I felt safe. A sunny weekend at home, together with my parents. 
When I cycled to work on Sunday, though. I felt how much energy it had cost me to process what I heard and how uncomfortable it felt to leave the 'safe house'. Now I didn't only have physical complaints, emotionally I felt weak too. As if my body & soul knew it is finally proven that something is wrong: no reason to still be strong.

I am overwhelmed by the reactions I got, I want to thank you all for that. It is great to hear you all believe that I will handle this bump. I believe it too. Today, in any case.
Not sure about tomorrow.

For me, it makes no sense to look back:
*Yes! They could have discovered it sooner: I've had two ankle operations where they heard a heart murmer, but said 'sporting heart'. I was even proud to hear that!
*How? How is it possible to dance at top level with more then one congenital heart defect? 
 I am also very curious!
 *Why? Why did my doctor sent me away every time, saying: 'Doron, you're a dancer. You have a busy life. Stress. You need balance.' Doctor: Listen to my heart. I do too.

I am glad to know my body like the best. Maybe it helps that I am a dancer. I really felt I could not live my life like other people from my age, even after bringing more balance into it. I think I should feel happy to finally know what is going on in my body. Even better: they can do something about it!

I feel sad. Just because of the fact that it is something not nice what I experience, and other people with me. I will be 'under construction' for quite a while, missing out a part of my life.
One day I could make (pretty bad) jokes about it, and again the next day I cried so much. Sense of peaks and valleys.

I feel strong. Even though I have multiple congenital heart defects, I am in shape. My cardiologist told me about the 'Better in better out principe', and I want to do anything to start this process as best as possible. 

Strong is not necessarily positive. It makes me think realistically. I feel tense, anxious. What's to come? When will it happen? Will it be all right? Do I need to live my life to the fullest right now? Working a lot or not at all? Do I need to rush to meet family and friends, to have deep conversations, to eat as much chocolate as possible, to accomplish things from my bucket list? Do I need to consciously say 'Goodbye' to my beautiful home in Amsterdam, when I leave to the hospital? All of this, taking into account that something can go wrong.

I feel insecure. There is nothing physically changed since last week, but all of a sudden my body feels like a ticking time bomb. I am afraid to catch a cold, or to get ill.

Most of all: I am tired. Tired of being strong the past few years. Tired of my heartbeat, which (suddenly) keeps me from sleeping. Tired of all the emotions that I felt this week, and continue to feel the coming weeks. From myself and others.

But yeah, that is inevitable when you dance together. 


6 comments:

  1. Doron, super je blog! Zo kunnen jij en iedereen die je lief zijn lezen hoe jij je voelt.... Misschien handig voor degenen die het engels niet voldoende machtig zijn om de verklaring van je diagnose ook in het nederlands op je blog te zetten... Fijn dat zoveel mensen om je geven en reageren, maar jij moet het ondergaan en verwerken. Dat gaat helemaal goed komen!

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  2. Poeh Doron, had je alweer even niet gezien bij de BBB, en nu ga je je vol richten op de operatie en je herstel. Wat bizar hoe jouw leven ineens op z'n kop staat. Je schrijft er mooi over. Ik wens je veel sterkte en kracht toe!

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  3. ศัลยกรรมตาสองชั้น
    • 1.กรีดหนังตา เป็นแนวทางที่เคยชินกันดีกับกระบวนการทำตาสองชั้น หรือจะเรียกว่าวิธีมาตาฐานก็ว่าได้ เพราะว่ามีผู้ที่ทำตาสองชั้นด้วยแนวทางแบบนี้มีมากที่สุดเป็นอันดับแรกเลยเดียว
    • 2.การเจาะรูหรือบางที่เรียกกรรมวิธีการเย็บจุด เป็นการไม่ต้องกรีดหนังตาแต่ว่ากลายเป็นการเจาะรูเล็กๆที่กลีบตาห่างกัน 3-4 จุด สามารถเอานำไขมันส่วนเกินออกได้ แล้วทำเย็บเงื่อนไหมไปตามแนวเส้นที่ได้กำหนดไว้กับกล้ามเนื้อตา จะมีผลให้กำเนิดเป็นตาสองชั้นขึ้น ลักษณะเด่นคือไม่ส่งผลให้เกิดรอยแผลเป็น แล้วก็มีการบวมช้ำเพียงแค่เล็กๆน้อยๆ
    • 3.การเลเซอร์ ได้แก่การใช้เลเซอร์คลื่น plasma ยิงไปที่หนังตาทำให้มีหนังตา 2 ชั้นขึ้นมาอย่างราบรื่น ถึงจะเจ็บจี๊ดแทบจะร้องไห้ แต่ว่าลักษณะเด่นคือทิ้งแผลเอาไว้น้อยมาก ใช้เวลาพักฟื้นน้อยมาก ดำรงชีวิตธรรมดาได้เกือบจะในทันที


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