I always loved rollercoasters. Unfortunately I was the only one in our family, so when I finally passed the minimum height to actually go for a ride, my father sacrificed himself. Back then, we didn't know that I should've observed the other warning sign instead:
This week felt like a rollercoaster. I never felt like this before.
Last Friday, July 22nd, I got the results as you can read in my previous blog. I was in shock, but at the same time I felt safe. A sunny weekend at home, together with my parents.
When I cycled to work on Sunday, though. I felt how much energy it had cost me to process what I heard and how uncomfortable it felt to leave the 'safe house'. Now I didn't only have physical complaints, emotionally I felt weak too. As if my body & soul knew it is finally proven that something is wrong: no reason to still be strong.
I am overwhelmed by the reactions I got, I want to thank you all for that. It is great to hear you all believe that I will handle this bump. I believe it too. Today, in any case.
Not sure about tomorrow.
Not sure about tomorrow.
For me, it makes no sense to look back:
*Yes! They could have discovered it sooner: I've had two ankle operations where they heard a heart murmer, but said 'sporting heart'. I was even proud to hear that!
*How? How is it possible to dance at top level with more then one congenital heart defect?
I am also very curious!
*Why? Why did my doctor sent me away every time, saying: 'Doron, you're a dancer. You have a busy life. Stress. You need balance.' Doctor: Listen to my heart. I do too.
I feel sad. Just because of the fact that it is something not nice what I experience, and other people with me. I will be 'under construction' for quite a while, missing out a part of my life.
One day I could make (pretty bad) jokes about it, and again the next day I cried so much. Sense of peaks and valleys.
I feel strong. Even though I have multiple congenital heart defects, I am in shape. My cardiologist told me about the 'Better in better out principe', and I want to do anything to start this process as best as possible.
Strong is not necessarily positive. It makes me think realistically. I feel tense, anxious. What's to come? When will it happen? Will it be all right? Do I need to live my life to the fullest right now? Working a lot or not at all? Do I need to rush to meet family and friends, to have deep conversations, to eat as much chocolate as possible, to accomplish things from my bucket list? Do I need to consciously say 'Goodbye' to my beautiful home in Amsterdam, when I leave to the hospital? All of this, taking into account that something can go wrong.
I feel insecure. There is nothing physically changed since last week, but all of a sudden my body feels like a ticking time bomb. I am afraid to catch a cold, or to get ill.
Most of all: I am tired. Tired of being strong the past few years. Tired of my heartbeat, which (suddenly) keeps me from sleeping. Tired of all the emotions that I felt this week, and continue to feel the coming weeks. From myself and others.
But yeah, that is inevitable when you dance together.
